Parenting is hard. I don't give a shit if you and your partner have the chillest kid in the world. If she's sleeping in a $600 basinet or a laundry basket. If she eats when she's supposed or refuses food. If she undertands the concept of nightime and "sleeps like a baby" or "sleeps like a fucking nightmare" ... it doesn't matter. It's rough.
The sleep deprivation. The strain it places on relationships. The perpetual fear that you might be fucking up a human life with something that you accidentally said or did. (Yes, that's real) Fighting the urge to compare your kid to the rest of the toddlers running around out there. And tantrums are a fact of life as kids discover the limits.
And the inevitable question becomes ... why? Why are we doing this?
And not "biologically" why. I get that.
But let's get back to first principles. Why are we doing this? And knowing that, how does that inform how we approach each day?
Everyone is different. But most people living in developed countries have a choice when it comes to having children. Whether it's contraception, abortion or something else ... there are choices. So, why do we make the choice to have children? And why do we make the choice to continue parenting? What are our expected rewards from engaging in this biologically helpful, but immensely difficult task?
THE CHOICE TO HAVE CHILDREN
The choice to have children is entirely selfish. I did it for me. I made the choice because I thought that my life would be better with a kid. Or happier. Or easier. Or have less pain or annoyance.
People can blame social pressure. It's what society or their families expect. That's still a selfish choice - you made the decision that bowing to that pressure would make your life easier. Even if it's just for the short term.
People can blame their partner. They just wanted to make him/her happier. Gilded in an altruistic "I'm doing this for them" lies a paradox. You want to make them happier ... but you're doing it because making them happy makes you feel good. Or you're hoping that some of their happiness will rub off on you.
The truth of the matter is that the choice to have children is 100% selfish. And it has to be. We are not forced to have children. We choose to have them.
Knowing this, what does that mean? Does that mean that I'm forced to back up my choice for the rest of my life? No. That too is a choice.
THE CHOICE TO BE A PARENT
As there is a choice to have children, there is the choice to be a parent. To show up. To do that hard work. To contribute to your child's life.
So why do it? Why make that choice? Once again, we find that it's a selfish choice. I parent because kids add joy to my life. They make my life better. On the shitty days. On the good days. In the short run. In the long run.
The things that I experience as a father put me through an crazy range of emotions. I feel proud. I feel safe. I feel like a happy. I feel curious. I feel like a fucking man! When you realize that it only takes a kiss on a scraped knee to make a tiny human being feel better ... you feel like the best person in the entire world. It's as if someone has begged you to solve a humanitarian crisis, and you're the ONLY person in the world with the skills to do so. It's fucking rad.
THE NEW FRAMING
I've chosen to have a child.
Today, I'm chosing to be a parent.
I've chosen these things because my life is better with kids than it is without them.
So I need to lean into the things that make my life better - in the short and the long term. Pride in myself for actually being able to enforce discipline. Revel in the excitement of my children learning something new. The admiration of being someone that they look up to. And the pure joy that erupts when my son takes a shit in the toilet.
FURTHER MUSINGS
This essay may feel like a smattering of disorganized thoughts. It is. This is part of my process of figuring out how to be a good dad. And part of that is taking the time to step back and figure out why I am doing things. Why I'm hoping for certain outcomes. Why we - as a family - are driving towards certain goals.
Too often, I find myself stuck in a pattern of parenting and I don't step back to ask why. And with how quickly kids develop, I could be reinforcing bad habits for 25% of my son's life before I realize it. Fuck. That's sobering.
So the next phase is taking time to ponder what sort of people that I want them to be. Because each type of person requires different characteristics, skillsets and values to develop.
Do we want them to support us when we get old? Stability, guilt, loyalty and obedience are important.
Do we want them to be happy? Self-awareness, experimentation, humility and social skills are important.
Do we want them to be successful in a competitive field? Drive, grit, hard world and a competitive nature are important.
Do we want them to be a productive member of society? Empathy, curiousity, service and a moral compass are important.
Truthfully, I just don't know where to start.
- Christian